Not all rap lyrics are chilled Courvoisier, some of them are warm Colt 45. A connoisseur of the genre has to drink them both indiscriminately.
Take, for example, Kid Cudi. Other than the fact that he’s from Cleveland, I’ve never had much interest in Kid Cudi’s music. This disinterest stems from the fact that he violated the Golden Rule of Rap, which is to never allow a more talented rapper to make a guest appearance on one of “your” singles. The single in question was Make Her Say. On that song, after dropping a rather forgettable first verse, Kid Cudi passes the mic to Yeezy, who proceeds to steal the song by, first, joking about meeting girls in the club: “Hold Up, born in ’88? How old is that?… OLD ENOUGH!” and then giving a shout-out to the medulla oblongata. (For anyone unfamiliar with the medulla oblongata, it’s the part of the brain that deals with involuntary functions, such as breathing, heart rate, and asinine behavior at award shows.)
So while I hadn’t planned on giving Kid Cudi’s new album much of a listen, I was intrigued by the song Unfuckwittable. What a great title, I thought as I clicked on the song in Spotify.
Why would Kid Cudi waste such a great title on a song that sounds like a P.M. Dawn cover? (For anyone unfamiliar with P.M. Dawn’s one hit Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, just think of The Dream of the Nineties is Alive in Portland from Portlandia as sung by an obese, black man wearing a blue tie-dyed shirt, pink bandanna, and “shitlocks”)
Here’s my ‘Big Three’ of other recent fuckwittable rap lyrics:
Lebron: Jay-Z’s verse on Clique. I sometimes think that, in the mid-nineties, H.O.V.A hypnotized White America into thinking he’s a good rapper; he’s really quite awful. For example, here’s the rhyme scheme for his first eight bars on Clique: “Rih/me/Kelis/me/tree/me/me/me.” I know six-year-old girls who write more complex rhyme schemes in poems about unicorns.
D Wade: “You bring me to my knees/ Nancy Kerrigan” K’naan on Hurt Me Tomorrow. In this country, K’naan, our rappers try to keep their cultural references more relevant than events that occurred during the Clinton Administration!
Otherguy: “I fell in love with the pen, started fucking the ink” Rick Ross on Drake’s Lord Knows. In theory, this entire list could be comprised of Ricky Rozay lyrics; he’s that bad. Who fornicates with ink? I bet there’s not even a single Japanese man who has a fetish about this. I get grossed out when I get ink on my fingers and it doesn’t wash off for days; I don’t even want to THINK about how messy this sounds!