Quarter Day Celebrations (for Drunks):
As the name suggests, the original Quarter Day celebrations were a Medieval way to separate the year into four religious holidays. Of the original four, only Christmas has proven to have “staying power” (think of it as Justin Timberlake to the other celebrations’ Joey Fatone, Lance Bass, & JC Chasez).
These days, the problem with trying to celebrate the traditional Quarter Days is that they make crappy alcoholidays. Go ahead: try turning Lady Day (March 25) or Michaelmas (September 29) into a roaring piss-up. I imagine you’ll end up drinking at a bar by yourself on a Wednesday night, listening to Barracuda, while some drunkard next to you tries to convince you that Carlos Danger is Miley Cyrus’ new boyfriend.
With this in mind, I decided to restructure Quarter Days to accommodate the modern drinking calendar. And yes, I realize that the following holidays don’t actually divide the year into four equal increments. But hey, next time you’re drunk, try dividing 365 by 4 on a bar napkins using a plastic stirrer as a writing utensil. Trust me: it ain’t easy!
Here are my new Quarter Day celebrations (for drunks):
Halloweenmas (celebrated by getting “drunker than the Great Pumpkin,” dressing like a prostitute going to a job interview, and devouring so much sugar that it would make Voltaire’s teeth ache)
Thanksgiving Eve (celebrated by getting “drunker than a stuffed turkey,” exhibiting the appetite and table manners of Henry VII, and insulting loosely-connected members of your immediate family)
New Year’s Eve (celebrated by getting “drunker than the undead Dick Clark,” wearing funny-shaped cardboard on your head, and loudly insisting that you know every goddamn word to Auld Lang Slur)
Birthdaymas (celebrated by getting “drunk on the wine of selfishness,” acting that Zsa Zsa Gabor [God, I love that story about her slapping that cop!], and rubbing all your friends’ faces in a big ol’ steamy, stinky pile of solipsism on Facebook)